Adapted from: The little eBook of Relationship Problems
How do you learn to control triggers and to overcome them altogether? Triggers by their very nature are very highly charged emotional reactions and therefore it is very important to bring them into your control. Talk to each other about them, learn about them and learn to deal with them together. If your partner knows your triggers and you know his/hers you will both be less likely to consciously ignite them. I have to say here however that from my experience that not igniting them isn’t the ultimate answer, it’s a sticky plaster and not a solution. However, initially it will help until you reach the next stage of learning how to deal with them, because dealing with them is the answer. Learning to be in control of them is really what you want to aim for.
Although as a first step it is preferable not to ignite triggers, at least not until you have learned how to deal with them. knowing each other’s triggers will help avoid them for now. Unfortunately you can’t always ensure either of you won’t unconsciously push the wrong button and trigger off a stream of trigger reactions, so learning to deal with them is the far better option as a goal.
Understanding the nature of your triggers together will help you enormously because through understanding you learn what to do and what not to do. Often, the person who ignites a trigger reaction in another, doesn’t know they are doing it because they don’t know about the nature of triggers or what the triggers are.
For example, when you are consciously aware, triggers are less likely to be ignited and if they are and you are aware of them you have more chance of tolerating them, tolerating the feelings and riding them out consciously. In that way you will also learn that a trigger is just a trigger, a reaction and not a real danger. Your partner who is the on looker at this moment can support riding them out with you.
Tolerating the thoughts and feelings that surface with triggers is an exercise in tolerance and control, both of which are central here and tools to be used constantly. Never be mistaken, control is a tool, tolerance is a tool, make them part of your toolbox.
A trigger could be something as simple as you attempting to explain something to your partner where he/she is telling you that what you’re saying is stupid, rubbish or wrong. You asked him or her to listen but what you said is rubbished and all your negative feelings and thoughts surge and explode, every single time. His/her reaction to you becomes a trigger response ignited every single time a similar situation occurs.
It could be any emotionally negative experience that repeats itself time after time that has made you feel bad, wronged, not heard, not validated. This then leaves a very negative feeling and impression on you. Suddenly you find yourself out of control because a trigger has been ignited in you, you react to it, he/she reacts back and so the negative cycle has begun. You are reminded of past, similar situations ending up in the same place and before you know it a trigger goes off and you spontaneously and unconsciously react in the most negative and uncontrolled way. This is the nature of these types of triggers. People can trigger each other off and the negative reactions will flow between you until you are exhausted. The trick is to learn all about the course of triggers, not cause, although that too, but “course”.
There could be a more sinister trigger. Let’s say your partner had an affair a few months ago and this was the start of your relationship problems. You notice he or she is yet again flirting with someone else, or that’s what you think. It’s not the first time, and all the rage, fear and insecurity get triggered off. You witness this in front of your very eyes or so you think, and it triggers an extreme negative reaction from you that has taken off before you have a chance to think straight. It’s as quick as that. Suddenly you are out of control. You stop thinking and start reacting. The trigger is real but the situation may not be real as your partner may have innocently been talking to someone, but you are out of control now.
There are many ways triggers can be ignited, from extremely serious when related to abuse, along the spectrum to any small thing. It doesn’t matter big or small, if an incident triggers negative reactions that are out of your control the result will be the same a very negative outcome. Here I am not referring to sexual abuse, or any other very serious type of abuse because although I worked for many years with women who had been seriously abused as children, it is beyond the scope of this website and this article to deal with these triggers.
Currently, let’s say you are the one who has the trigger, not your partner, but the same rules apply whichever of you has the trigger. When your partner is not the one ignited, he or she will have a clearer head to act wisely and help you out of the situation with compassion and tolerance. It is also an opportunity for him or her to learn what could possibly have been done differently so as not to ignite or enflame the situation in the same way again. If you or your partner behaves badly enough to ignite a trigger, hopefully it will be picked up by the one responsible and addressed sensibly. Flirting would need to be addressed because amongst other things it can be painful for the partner, depending how he or she deals with it and perceives it. Some might brush it off as immature and pitiful, while others will perceive it as a serious threat. How we perceive anything will impact on our own reaction. Once triggers are dealt with we can choose what and how we perceive any situation and don’t have to be at the mercy of our thoughts or triggers.
Your partner is responsible for his or her behavior. They choose how to behave and have the choice to consciously think before thoughtlessly saying or doing something that could potentially be emotionally painful, they choose, we all choose. How you deal with your own behavior and what you allow or not is your responsibility. You choose. You can equally decide to deal with your triggers in a controlled way, to take control of them because you don’t like your own out of control reactions. It’s a conscious choice to be made. If you are not consciously aware enough you won’t succeed, so it is in your own interest to be conscious and then learn how to consciously deal with your triggers and reactions. If you don’t know how, use our self help program.
Being conscious of the problem enables you to prepare yourself to manage triggers more skillfully. Being conscious when they happen prepares you to deal with them immediately. Once you do start to deal with them they soon start to dissipate as their meaning becomes more and more insignificant. If you can consciously catch a trigger at the very moment it is taking off, you can also stop it or ride it out in a controlled way. You stop it by controlling it, and then consciously riding it until it has little meaning left. You can only control it if you are in a consciously aware state.
Having worked with sexual abuse for many years I am really well versed on triggers and how to deal with them. They come so swiftly there is barely time to think, but once you learn how and you learn that a trigger is a trigger not an actual incident, you can start to take control of it. I have worked with so many women who had sexual abuse triggers being ignited all the time. Once they learned how to deal with them and were therefore in more control of them, everything changed. With triggers you aren’t in control, but you can learn how to be and how to overcome them.
The meaning you give to your triggers is also an important factor. For example you can say:
“I am not going to allow any trigger to control me and render me out of control. It is a trigger that is all. It is my reaction to a situation. It is not a real or dangerous threat, it is just a trigger that I won’t be intimidated or controlled by”.
That’s one good way to think about it and the more you are able to perceive it in this way the better off you will be. It also happens to be true. A trigger is a trigger, a reaction and no more. A trigger is not an actual threat.
You might also do the opposite. You could believe it is impossible to control any triggers or any thoughts, believing they are the masters of your destiny. You haven’t managed to control them before which automatically means you never can!! That is a negative, conditioned and unhealthy way to think about triggers, negative thoughts, emotions or behavior. Why? Because as you are learning it is very possible to control them once you know how.
I would just like to add an important note here. Very serious triggers such as those related to sexual abuse or any other type of abuse are difficult to deal with. If you have serious trigger issues related to abuse then please seek professional help and use this site to supplement that help. If serious triggers are not treated professionally there is a danger the situation will become out of control.
We all have our parts to play in any situation. Here, when you both have to deal with triggers and emotions that enflame the situation, it isn’t always going to be easy. The cause and effect element requires both of you to take responsibility for putting a stop to the situation. You both have a big part to play and both have a responsibility. Your responsibility is to identify what situations are likely to ignite your triggers, identify whether or not they belong to the situation you are in now, a childhood situation, or whether they belong to a more recent past situation such as another relationship that has no real connection to now. The bottom line is that it becomes your responsibility to act rather than react in order to resolve the situation.
Knowledge is power and once you identify the cause of your triggers you are already better equipped to deal with them. If it is your partner who ignites your triggers then get together so you can sort out what it is and find a way to overcome it. Do the 5 minute exercise.
In all the situations, whether past or current, experiences are responsible for your triggers. The tools you use to deal with either are similar however. It might not be practical or in your control to deal with past reasons for current triggers. It may not be possible for all sorts of reasons. If this is the case and if this would mean you remain victim to that experience, then better deal with it yourself with tools that will help you gain control. Don’t be a victim to your triggers, ever!
Being conscious, being in control of your thoughts and emotions, and not allowing them to control you, being consciously aware and not obeying conditioning is a good start.
Triggers are conditioned reactions to a situation. NAT’s fly in like a rocket and reinforce the thoughts involved. Being in a so called unconscious state, being in a conditioned or reactive state will not help one bit. To overcome triggers it is necessary to be conscious enough to catch them as they happen, to identify exactly what they are and to consciously recognize that they are only triggers.
Perceiving them as a threat is part of your conditioning and does not represent actual reality. A current situation might simply remind you of a past situation that was very painful. There may be some similarities that caused the trigger to be ignited, but then is not now and knowing this is knowing a new reality which is that you have no reason to be in fear.
In your current relationship I am guessing that it is pretty equal with no one person controlling or intimidating the other deliberately. This being the case you can deal with current triggers skillfully and consciously by not allowing them to have control of your thoughts or feelings. If you are conscious there is no reason for them to control you and therefore there is no reason for you to become ignited. You can see the situation for what it is and deal with it. Stop it or ride it out, but control it and don’t let it control you. Triggers themselves are nothing to fear and not worth losing control over. It is what they used to represent that brings about the fear.
If you and your partner sit down and discuss the whole issue of triggers and each understands that even something small might become responsible for igniting a trigger, you will also be able to discuss how to deal with it in a joint manner. Each being there to support the other, validate and acknowledge that there is a problem needing to be dealt with by both of you.
Initially, when a trigger takes off, you will need to catch it right at the beginning; this is why conscious awareness is so necessary. It is the tool that will help you recognize a trigger immediately and work with it.
With triggers, they quickly take control and evoke some pretty uncomfortable feelings which can become feelings you come to dread. The trick is not to allow them to get that far that they control you emotionally. Stop them in their tracks and ride them out within your own control. They are not your master you are your own master or mistress, you decide.
When a trigger first takes off and the very moment you recognize it, take control of it. You can actually use the words STOP!! STOP IT RIGHT HERE, NOW, BREATHE, CALM DOWN AND TAKE CONTROL. This simple technique stops the process from continuing because if you are focused on STOPPING, it is difficult to be focused on the fear or on the trigger at the same time because all your focus is on stopping the process. When you have the situation under your control, you can then ride through it, examine it, challenge its value and then let go of it. You are now the person in control, not the trigger or the thoughts or emotions related to it.
This doesn’t prove itself quite over night, but if you persevere, you will start to see results. The more you can internalize your own strength and control, the sooner you will see positive results.
Having control over triggers is amazing as it opens up possibilities to communicate with your partner on a new level. It is a level free from fear and where you are master or mistress.
As you take control and master the skill you will see that once you are in control it all gets easier and easier and once you have all this, your bodily sensations and your stress will also calm down and be back in your control again. All this takes practice, but when you have the right tools there is no reason to fail. You and your partner are hopefully fully committed to working together on this so you both have the support you need, each other. You will not be doing this alone.
Good luck… Carole