I think that one of the secrets of this life, and there are many to be discovered, is this whole idea of “perspective” and how we view life. Several years ago my father died. I was in the U.S.A at the time and needed to get home quickly to be with my brother and my mother.
My son’s met me at the airport and took me to see my father’s body. I wanted to say goodbye to him, but when I saw his body I realized it was no longer him, it was flesh. This was no longer my father. Once we had seen him his coffin was closed and that was the last time I saw him.
When we arrived at my parents home my brother was in a dreadful state and as we talked he kept telling me how he wished our father could have lived and that he would have done anything for him to live.
I asked him what about our father’s mental suffering and the fact that he wanted to die? My father had spoken of little else during that past year. He felt he had little quality of life left and therefore would prefer to end it. As it happens he had a wonderful death, he dropped dead and knew nothing of it. He didn’t suffer severe pain and didn’t have an agonizing ending, and I was very happy for that. Why would we want someone we love to suffer? If we really love him, we don’t want him to suffer.
My perspective was that if I love my father more than I love myself, then what I want is secondary as it isn’t about me, it’s about him. If I suffer because of his death, better than if he suffer. I will willingly suffer the sudden death if he, in return is spared suffering.
Our father had had several strokes over the years and his quality of life was poor, even though there was little physical suffering. He had realized he’d had enough and didn’t want his existence as it was. Life was difficult for him and he didn’t like it and no longer wanted it.
The thing is that my brother’s perspective on my father’s life and death were totally opposite to mine. I was happy for my dad that he was finally at peace with himself and that he was granted his wish which he was blessed enough to be granted without suffering. For me, this was everything I could ever have wanted for my father. When I thought about my father it was with peace of mind for him. I loved him deeply and didn’t want him to suffer.
My brother on the other hand had such a totally different perspective to me. He so dearly wanted more time with our father and wasn’t ready for him to die yet, he simply couldn’t cope with his death yet, it was too soon for him. My brother loved our father very much and was a marvelous son to him. Nothing was ever too much trouble for him and he spent hours with him, cherishing every moment they shared together. Our father’s death was clearly very difficult for him.
After dad died I remember buying my brother a biography of a son …it was the diary of first year after his father had died. It seemed very appropriate indeed. My brother is spiritual and I thought he would appreciate it. He prayed for our dad every day for a year. I don’t even know if he read the book, although I did as it was the journey of this man getting through the first year.
I thought very much about our differences in perspective. . I realized of course that both our perspectives were equally valid, very different but no one perspective was more valid than the other. I didn’t expect him to feel as I did just because I felt it. Neither was it difficult to see his perspective I simply and quietly mulled over our individual perspectives, each one of us was to grieve in our own way.
Sometimes there is no right or wrong perspective, sometimes it is as it is and we leave it alone with the simple understanding that each of us on this earth has the right to have our own perspective and all we ask is that others respect it.
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