Loneliness and depression: Addressing the problem

If we establish that loneliness can bring about feelings of depression and that it can be a trigger which, untreated becomes difficult to live with, then can it also be established that loneliness the state, is a state of mind? Think about it please.

If in a certain situation you feel very lonely and then because of that you become depressed, is it possible that one of two things needs to happen? Firstly being able to change the situation that you feel is responsible for your feelings of loneliness and depression. Well, changing the situation can mean you ensure you don’t put yourself in an identical situation again, but that isn’t always within your control. What is within your control is deciding what you are going to do about it.

There can be little argument that we have little control over the external, we can be at its mercy. There is also mounting evidence that we can change our internal state of thinking and being. You can Google “CBT research and its affects. This evidence also suggests that by changing our thinking, we also change our state of well-being.

The above can mean many things, like YOU changing your whole perception of the situation and rationalizing it more positively and effectively. For example, at Christmas, Easter, Passover or Ede you would not want to be left alone, so you yourself have the responsibility to ensure you aren’t.  Instead of waiting to be invited you could start plan early and ensure you are invited or that you invite someone. That is an assertive move on your behalf, taking responsibility for changing a situation you hate. That is the “external” part. You could also ensure you do not allow yourself to slip into NAT’s in these situations. This is part of the “internal” part. Perception is everything and it will colour your experience very dramatically.  Learning how to perceive differently and more effectively is a process and doesn’t happen overnight, but it does happen when you are dedicated to change and persist in your pursuit of a concrete solution.

Changing the state of your mind as well as the situation by your own hand is what you will need to get used to doing. How do you achieve this exactly? Well, I have to say that the self help program teaches you”How to”. It teaches you most of what you need to know I order to bring about internal change.

If you are feeling very lonely, not just for a day but it’s an on-going situation you have not found a solution to, what could possibly happen to change how you feel? The obvious answer would be the situation, because if the situation is changed, you will no longer feel depressed. NOT SO because the problem with this solution is that in reality you may not be able to change all situations. Yes, there are certain situations, where you can take matters into your own hands to ensure you are not alone. This is looking after yourself and your well being. But inevitably there will be situations you have no control over as are discussed in these articles, and you need to be prepared for these situations.

A situation may not be in your control, but how you deal with it is in your control. Here is where I have experienced that people give up. If they can’t change the situation they feel they are then at the mercy of the situation, of the thoughts, feelings and emotions that accompany the situation. But is this so? No!! it certainly doesn’t have to be this way.

Let’s say for arguments sake your current relationship ended two months ago and there’s no chance of this being reversed. He or she doesn’t want it. You can’t change that.  You are alone and feeling lonely. You may want a new relationship, but new partners don’t grow on trees, neither can you go and buy one in a shop. It is not a packet of potato chips. You may be finding great difficulty meeting a new person in your life, so you can’t depend on that. The outcome is that you feel very lonely and become depressed about it. The longer it goes on and you still don’t meet someone, the more likely you are to feel more depressed.  Also, if all your friends are in relationships and you are not that could add to your feelings of depression, loneliness and isolation.

It would seem that it is difficult to control external factors like all your friends being in relationships. You yourself might do your utmost to meet someone new, meeting friends and going on dating sites, you have that much control that’s true, but you don’t ultimately have the control as to whether you actually meet the person of your dreams or not. It is down to many factors, many factors out of your control, so don’t depend on them. You might wait for ever in vain.

You might also think fate will step in soon. That really leaves the situation out of your control because you then possibly rely on a mystical thing that will or won’t happen. You may believe you can have total control if you try hard enough. Again, you might have control up to a point, but after that something else is in control, not you. You can have the control of going on a dating site and writing to a hundred people every day and you rightfully feel you are taking control of the situation. What you won’t have is the ultimate control because you can’t guarantee meeting a person who will also feel the same as you. If you are lucky you will, but you can’t control it.  Until a certain point you can, the rest of it is beyond your control whether you know it or not.

I am not being negative here, just realistic. It’s important to know where you are, what you can and can’t control. This applies to any situation really. Because if you are under the illusion you can control a certain situation that realistically you can’t you will use up an enormous amount of energy trying. You might then feel defeated and more depressed when the plan doesn’t materialize.

Why I am pointing this out is for two reasons, both important points. One is that a great deal of emotional energy might be used up or wasted if you don’t know at which point to stop. Also, you can use the energy wisely if you have any left and direct it to areas within your control. Two, my main reason for explaining all this  and pointing out the control issues is that we are referring to the attempt to try controlling a situation that ultimately we may or may not be able to completely control because it is external, so it’s very risky.

What you yourself can control however, which relates back to other articles is how you deal with the situation. How you deal with any situation by being more in control of your thinking, your feelings and your behavior. (The internal) This is the area to put in a lot of energy as it’s hard work, but work that pays off. You can’t always control the external, but you can control the internal if you know how. Being in control of your thinking and changing it to more effective thinking is a very good start indeed. It is the only place to start because the way you think will influence how you feel which will influence how you behave. Controlling and changing your thinking will also help control depression. If therefore a situation arises where you need to bring about change of some sort and it has simply arrived on your door step, you can then put into action good and healthy internal thinking strategies that will be extremely influential in your well-being.

Example:

Present situation: Partner left you and you want to find a new partner but are having no luck. Here are some steps to take which help you gain more control and strengthen your ability to manage the situation in a healthy way.

  1. Stop putting all your energy into worrying about the things you can’t control, it solves nothing.
  2. Where can you have some control? You can ensure you get out and about to simply enjoy the pleasure of going out. (This is not easy and takes training the mind, but it works and is effective) Enjoying the experience without drifting into negative thinking that is telling you all sorts of negative things. Just enjoy the moment as they say, unattached to loneliness or the past. Just enjoy the park, the beach, good, music, friends, whatever, all in their own right without thinking about loneliness. It is about living in the present and experiencing the present without bringing in negative and toxic thinking to the experience. Just enjoy the current experience.
  3. Become assertive in calling friends and making arrangements
  4. Think about what you can do to help yourself, not what you can’t do and focus on that.
  5. Ensure your thinking is productive, current, not in conditioned or reactive mode and not driven by the past or future
  6. Meditate on how to cultivate a state of mind that is NOT driven by thoughts of loneliness
  7. Start thinking about how to change and improve your internal self
  8. Start thinking about HOW to cultivate a better and richer internal state
  9. Ensure your behavior is the same, cultivate better habits
  10. Ask yourself what YOU can do to stop yourself feeling lonely or depressed
  11. Don’t give in to negative thinking; cultivate more effective thinking patterns
  12. Don’t allow negative thinking to control you
  13. Create a feasible goal for yourself and work towards that goal by having a good and clear plan of action.
  14. Help yourself.

There is much you can do to change your lonely state…

If you need to learn the strategies of changing how you think, feel and behave, you  might want to take a look at the self help program

Good luck

Carole